THE ONE ABOUT SIMULACRA
An idiot savant walks into a bar. When he remembers something twice, what he remembers is the memory. This might be considered offensive. Behind the bar is a mirror world of disorderly brilliance. The savant’s improbable skill is auto-suggestive time travel. A favorite painting hangs on the wall—George Washington, kneeling near his horse: “The Prayer at Valley Forge.” This isn't supposed to be funny. And yet.
THE ONE ABOUT THE END OF THE PRESENT WORLD & THE MYSTERIES OF THE FUTURE LIFE
A coffin maker walks into a bar. He is greeted by lateral sheets of music. No safeguard exists against being gone, really gone. When you start worrying about being old, you are; what happens when you worry about death? The coffin maker will never usher in a new era. The coffin maker is not immune to human error. He carries a lucky strand of hair attributed to Abraham Lincoln. This has no bearing on his political affiliations. The town has gotten quieter every year he’s lived here. This is due to the fact that everyone dies.
THE ONE ABOUT VOWS MADE, GRACES RECEIVED
An angel, the devil and a feminist are stuck in a lifeboat. They are awkwardly tan & experiencing angst. They wear airy tops with the tightest of jeans. There are so few occasions one can speak in absolutes. But they say with assurance they are over the sea. Each is sort of smug about being “not for everyone.” Each accuses the others of being obsolete. A figure approaches on the back of a narwhal. Is it a bottle of water? “Call no man happy until he is dead”—the devil quotes Solon. “Men weren't really the enemy,” the feminist quotes Friedan.
THE ONE ABOUT THE CHIROPRACTOR
A chiropractor walks into a bar. Historically speaking, this defines who is an other. Everyone has excruciating posture. There's a feeling one gets, in a bar, of having finally grown up. And a certain caesura, a drift of emptiness. Can it be “not unpleasant” without being pleasant? He’d been hoping to have a very uneventful day. This almost always came to pass. Why does he think the minor key is so sad? Because that's what society tells us to think.